The Deceased Would Like to Add One Awkward Thing

Joshua Weaver’s clients sometimes arrange for him to reveal their affairs at their own funerals, a splendidly efficient way of ensuring that nobody wastes the wake saying they were perfect.

The 43-year-old describes himself as a professional funeral crasher, although he is not turning up uninvited merely for the sandwiches. People pay him before they die to carry out post-mortem instructions that may be strange, sensitive or distinctly “uncomfortable”.

His assignments can include delivering final messages, confessing love or hate, sharing long-held secrets, recovering sensitive assets, deploying dark humour and carrying out pranks. In some cases, he must tell the mourners that the deceased had been cheating on their partner. It is the sort of announcement that can rather abruptly change the atmosphere from solemn reflection to everyone silently recalculating the seating plan.

“There is a lot of grief or secrecy that is revealed in my work,” Weaver said. “People have different lives that their loved ones may not be aware of.”

The dead person, of course, has the considerable tactical advantage of not being available for follow-up questions. Weaver is left in the room with the people who have just discovered that the dearly departed had one final surprise tucked behind the order of service.

Not all of his work involves detonating a family secret beside a coffin. He is also asked to deliver gifts and meaningful cards to loved ones after a death, often timed for notable dates such as birthdays or Christmas. These requests allow someone to remain part of important occasions after they have gone, without requiring their family to hear an unexpected confession before the tea has been poured.

Weaver said the work can be emotional as well as awkward. Whether the assignment is affectionate, mischievous or painfully revealing, his role is to make sure the client’s instructions are followed after death, when they can no longer deliver the message themselves.

He has also thought about what should happen when his own time comes. Weaver said he would like to arrange posthumous gifts and cards for the people close to him, continuing the gentler side of the service he provides for others.

For his clients, what happens next depends entirely on the request: a present may arrive on a future Christmas, a card on a birthday, or a funeral congregation may learn that the person they have gathered to remember had been keeping an entire part of their life secret. Weaver’s job is simply to carry it out, then endure the moment when everyone stops looking at the coffin and starts looking at one another.