The funniest lines doing the rounds today, rated so you know what you're getting.
17 jokes hidden as 18+.
Trump promising $5,000 if Republicans win the midterms
Trump said that if Republicans win both the House and the Senate in the midterm elections, he will give every American adult $5,000. Now, I know that sounds like a bribe. In Trump's defense, he's never going to pay us, so technically it's not a bribe.
Spotted on uk.news.yahoo.com
on Google Chrome’s latest browser updates
Google Chrome’s latest updates: We understand that downloading and restarting your browser disrupts your workflow, but you weren’t working anyway.
Spotted on newyorker.com
on Dolly Parton cancelling her Las Vegas residency for health reasons
At the video’s end, she acknowledged that she wasn’t getting any younger. But, she added: “As long as there are plastic surgeons in this world, I’m not getting any older.”
Spotted on google.com
on Trump gaining 14 pounds and polling poorly
After his last physical, we learned Trump gained 14 pounds, which means he's now tipping the scales at almost 240. The last few years I've lost 300 pounds—that means I've lost an entire Donald Trump. And based on his approval ratings, it seems like most of the country wants to do the same thing.
Spotted on stereogum.com
Jelly Roll mocking Trump after losing 300 pounds
Jelly Roll said he’d shed 300 pounds, comparing it to “an entire Donald Trump.” “And let’s be honest, based on his approval ratings, it seems like most of the country wants to do the same thing.”
Spotted on wwlp.com
on Jelly Roll returning as a late-night guest host
This is my second time guest-hosting Jimmy Kimmel Live! It’s like returning to prison—something I never really thought would happen again.
Spotted on coyotecountrylv.com
backlash to Jelly Roll’s jokes about Donald Trump
Some folks online were upset that I didn't treat the president with reverence and dignity. But I want to remind y'all that I go by the name Jelly Roll. I don't even treat myself with reverence and dignity.
Spotted on ca.news.yahoo.com
Dolly Parton’s final self-roasting video and death at 80
I’m not getting any younger. But as long as there are plastic surgeons in this world, I’m not getting any older.
Spotted on google.com
on the current Trump administration
The Trump administration is like the movie Oppenheimer – it’s full of weird white guys and halfway through you wish it would end early.
Spotted on aol.co.uk
on Trump denying missile shortages while pursuing leakers
Trump is denying missile shortages and threatening to hunt down the leakers. But at 80 years old, problems with leaks and shortages are very normal.
Spotted on aol.com
on the prolonged closure of the Strait of Hormuz
The good news is the Strait of Hormuz may reopen. The bad news is it’s been closed for so long, it’s now called the Spirit Halloween of Hormuz.
Spotted on aol.com
on negotiations to reopen the Strait of Hormuz
Trump’s excited about the deal to reopen the Strait of Hormuz. He’s about to hang a huge victory banner reading, “Everything is back to how it was before I got involved.”
Spotted on aol.com
Rosie O’Donnell guest-hosting Jimmy Kimmel amid her Trump feud
Rosie O’Donnell, after guest-hosting Jimmy Kimmel all week: “It’s kind of weird to think Trump spent more nights with me this week than Melania.”
Spotted on instagram.com
on AI threatening creative jobs
I hate AI because it keeps trying to steal the jobs I love, like creative writing and being confidently wrong.
Spotted on theguardian.com
Rosie O’Donnell returning to late night amid her feud with Donald Trump
I couldn't have done it without you, sweetie. You brought me back, just like you did with fascism and the measles.
Spotted on mashable.com
on the newly released Adults season two trailer
FX’s Adults is an ensemble comedy series about a group of twenty-somethings in New York trying to be good people, despite being neither “good” nor “people” yet.
Spotted on youtube.com
Lying on the internet is the funniest thing I've ever done. Lying on the internet is this day and age's prank call. You can't prank call no more.
Spotted on instagram.com
I’m only 30, but I hate fanny packs, and for the love of tacos, calling it a belt bag makes it even worse.
Spotted on buzzfeed.com
I don’t understand Doc Martens boots with a dress to a school dance. Doc Martens boots are patterned after combat boots. So you are wearing combat boots to a dance.
Spotted on buzzfeed.com
Why do younger people wear cardigans hanging off their elbows? It defeats the purpose of wearing it. It looks uncomfortable because they have to hold their arms a certain way to keep the clothing on, and it makes for a weird silhouette. I do not understand.
Spotted on buzzfeed.com
I’m confused by platform shoes where the base of the sole is wider than the top. The style these days honestly looks like animal hooves.
Spotted on buzzfeed.com
PSA: If you purchased the Trojan horse popcorn bucket and now you don’t know what to do with the two-foot-tall plastic horse in your house, you can make it into a lamp. Who cares. Lamp it.
Spotted on google.com
Why are they all dressed like they got their outfits out of the lost and found? Why are you wearing a granny sweater with a bucket hat and a skirt? Did you get dressed by rolling dice?
Spotted on buzzfeed.com
“Reality’s Last Fact-Checker: You can still separate journalism from fever dreams. We genuinely don’t know whether to congratulate you or recommend you spend less time online.”
Spotted on newsbreak.com
“I hope you’re pregnant.”
Spotted on youtube.com
The internet has become astonishingly efficient at stripping away every ounce of context before launching a headline into the algorithmic void. By the time it reaches your feed, all that’s left is the part most likely to make you yell, “No way.” Sometimes you’re right. Increasingly, you’re not.
Spotted on newsbreak.com
“Is the road inside a pothole, or is the pothole inside the road?”
Spotted on oneindia.com
This road is so smooth that even the water in your stomach wouldn’t spill.
Spotted on oneindia.com
The internet has become astonishingly efficient at stripping away every ounce of context before launching a headline into the algorithmic void.
Spotted on newsbreak.com
If the village sarpanch, panchayat samiti member and district council member hadn’t taken their cuts, the road would have turned out quite well.
Spotted on oneindia.com
There was a time when determining whether something happened required reading a newspaper. Today, it requires three browser tabs, a court filing, an academic paper, and occasionally someone willing to explain why a government spokesperson just said that with a straight face.
Spotted on newsbreak.com
Who’s Tallest Canada is a reality competition hosted by Nathan Fielder, where five Canadian men compete to prove who is the tallest person in the country.
Spotted on instagram.com
Not bad. Reality got a few past you, but to be fair, reality has recently hired a team of professional misdirection artists.
Spotted on newsbreak.com
Don’t feel bad. Somewhere, a viral Facebook page is already turning this week’s edition into twelve misleading memes and an AI-generated image with six fingers.
Spotted on newsbreak.com
This road is just like an expressway. Vehicles glide by so smoothly that even the water in your stomach wouldn’t spill! Is the road inside a pothole, or is the pothole inside the road?
Spotted on oneindia.com
My sister said there was no way I could build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
Spotted on ponly.com
I was at the library and asked if they had any books on paranoia. The librarian replied, “Yes, they’re right behind you.”
Spotted on ponly.com
Apparently they caught a snake that is exactly 3.14159 metres long. It was a πthon.
Spotted on ponly.com
Every New Year’s Eve, I look forward to a good show at Times Square—and year after year, they drop the ball.
Spotted on ponly.com
What do farmers discuss while milking cows? Udder nonsense.
Spotted on facebook.com
What’s a line of men waiting for haircuts? A barber queue.
Spotted on instagram.com
Why bring two pairs of pants golfing? In case you get a hole in one.
Spotted on instagram.com