Jokes of the day

on relationships conducted through messaging apps

I’m just a bit worried because I’ve been left on read for hours now. Surely it only takes two seconds to type “I do”?

Spotted on thedailymash.co.uk

He could only be dating you to make his own recent ex jealous, and then she’ll revert to her ex and time will begin to go backwards. Before long you’re flirting with Joel from school just to make a man you met 12 years later angry.

Spotted on thedailymash.co.uk

I’m not saying I’m self-centred, but I think pressing the gas pedal makes the world move beneath me, and turning the steering wheel rotates the universe around me.

Spotted on lemmy.world

All actors think they’re great at improvising. Seth Rogen in particular believes that saying ‘I just farted’ deserves a co-creator credit.

Spotted on thedailymash.co.uk

on wealthy couples discussing the cost-of-living crisis

“We’re not wealthy. We both work incredibly hard and budget like everyone else. But skimping on ourselves would be a false economy. Of course we’re still taking a month in Tuscany in summer, but only because we own the farmhouse.”

Spotted on thedailymash.co.uk

on arguments over who may wear a remembrance poppy

They’re too young to have experienced World War II first-hand like I did, via endless bank holiday repeats of Tora! Tora! Tora! and The Bridge at Remagen. My culture is not their costume.

Spotted on thedailymash.co.uk

on ageing men still chasing rock stardom

Iron Maiden’s Bruce Dickinson pilots a Boeing 757 around the world when his band tours massive stadiums. You and three other delusional middle-aged men rent a minivan and drive to Crewe three times a year to play tiny pubs where they don’t even turn Sky Sports off.

Spotted on thedailymash.co.uk

on ageing men still chasing rock stardom

What would Jim Morrison have done without the creative outlet of The Doors? You may not be The Lizard King, but you do work in a Morrisons.

Spotted on thedailymash.co.uk

on formulaic midterm political ads

Badly Cast Political Ad Features Bus Driver, Construction Worker, Bus Driver, Bus Driver, Bus Driver

Spotted on theonion.com

on a seven-year-old’s 2,000-bounce pogo-stick world record

A seven-year-old set a world record by bouncing on a pogo stick more than 2,000 times in a row. His parents’ response? “Open the schools.”

Spotted on youtube.com

on New York's housing-affordability crisis

They say New York is the city that never sleeps because residents can't afford apartments with beds.

Spotted on facebook.com

Vivek Ramaswamy struggling to lift a child at a rally

Ohio gubernatorial candidate Vivek Ramaswamy invited a child onstage and struggled to lift him up to the microphone. It was like watching a toddler pick up the family cat: somebody’s gonna get hurt, and it’s probably not the cat.

Spotted on youtube.com

Trump promising $5,000 if Republicans win the midterms

Trump said that if Republicans win both the House and the Senate in the midterm elections, he will give every American adult $5,000. Now, I know that sounds like a bribe. In Trump's defense, he's never going to pay us, so technically it's not a bribe.

Spotted on uk.news.yahoo.com

on Google Chrome’s latest browser updates

Google Chrome’s latest updates: We understand that downloading and restarting your browser disrupts your workflow, but you weren’t working anyway.

Spotted on newyorker.com

on Dolly Parton cancelling her Las Vegas residency for health reasons

At the video’s end, she acknowledged that she wasn’t getting any younger. But, she added: “As long as there are plastic surgeons in this world, I’m not getting any older.”

Spotted on google.com

on Trump gaining 14 pounds and polling poorly

After his last physical, we learned Trump gained 14 pounds, which means he's now tipping the scales at almost 240. The last few years I've lost 300 pounds—that means I've lost an entire Donald Trump. And based on his approval ratings, it seems like most of the country wants to do the same thing.

Spotted on stereogum.com

Jelly Roll mocking Trump after losing 300 pounds

Jelly Roll said he’d shed 300 pounds, comparing it to “an entire Donald Trump.” “And let’s be honest, based on his approval ratings, it seems like most of the country wants to do the same thing.”

Spotted on wwlp.com

on Jelly Roll returning as a late-night guest host

This is my second time guest-hosting Jimmy Kimmel Live! It’s like returning to prison—something I never really thought would happen again.

Spotted on coyotecountrylv.com

backlash to Jelly Roll’s jokes about Donald Trump

Some folks online were upset that I didn't treat the president with reverence and dignity. But I want to remind y'all that I go by the name Jelly Roll. I don't even treat myself with reverence and dignity.

Spotted on ca.news.yahoo.com

Dolly Parton’s final self-roasting video and death at 80

I’m not getting any younger. But as long as there are plastic surgeons in this world, I’m not getting any older.

Spotted on google.com

on the current Trump administration

The Trump administration is like the movie Oppenheimer – it’s full of weird white guys and halfway through you wish it would end early.

Spotted on aol.co.uk

on Trump denying missile shortages while pursuing leakers

Trump is denying missile shortages and threatening to hunt down the leakers. But at 80 years old, problems with leaks and shortages are very normal.

Spotted on aol.com

on the prolonged closure of the Strait of Hormuz

The good news is the Strait of Hormuz may reopen. The bad news is it’s been closed for so long, it’s now called the Spirit Halloween of Hormuz.

Spotted on aol.com

on negotiations to reopen the Strait of Hormuz

Trump’s excited about the deal to reopen the Strait of Hormuz. He’s about to hang a huge victory banner reading, “Everything is back to how it was before I got involved.”

Spotted on aol.com

Rosie O’Donnell guest-hosting Jimmy Kimmel amid her Trump feud

Rosie O’Donnell, after guest-hosting Jimmy Kimmel all week: “It’s kind of weird to think Trump spent more nights with me this week than Melania.”

Spotted on instagram.com

on AI threatening creative jobs

I hate AI because it keeps trying to steal the jobs I love, like creative writing and being confidently wrong.

Spotted on theguardian.com

Rosie O’Donnell returning to late night amid her feud with Donald Trump

I couldn't have done it without you, sweetie. You brought me back, just like you did with fascism and the measles.

Spotted on mashable.com

on the newly released Adults season two trailer

FX’s Adults is an ensemble comedy series about a group of twenty-somethings in New York trying to be good people, despite being neither “good” nor “people” yet.

Spotted on youtube.com

Lying on the internet is the funniest thing I've ever done. Lying on the internet is this day and age's prank call. You can't prank call no more.

Spotted on instagram.com

I’m only 30, but I hate fanny packs, and for the love of tacos, calling it a belt bag makes it even worse.

Spotted on buzzfeed.com

I don’t understand Doc Martens boots with a dress to a school dance. Doc Martens boots are patterned after combat boots. So you are wearing combat boots to a dance.

Spotted on buzzfeed.com

Why do younger people wear cardigans hanging off their elbows? It defeats the purpose of wearing it. It looks uncomfortable because they have to hold their arms a certain way to keep the clothing on, and it makes for a weird silhouette. I do not understand.

Spotted on buzzfeed.com

I’m confused by platform shoes where the base of the sole is wider than the top. The style these days honestly looks like animal hooves.

Spotted on buzzfeed.com

PSA: If you purchased the Trojan horse popcorn bucket and now you don’t know what to do with the two-foot-tall plastic horse in your house, you can make it into a lamp. Who cares. Lamp it.

Spotted on google.com

Why are they all dressed like they got their outfits out of the lost and found? Why are you wearing a granny sweater with a bucket hat and a skirt? Did you get dressed by rolling dice?

Spotted on buzzfeed.com

“Reality’s Last Fact-Checker: You can still separate journalism from fever dreams. We genuinely don’t know whether to congratulate you or recommend you spend less time online.”

Spotted on newsbreak.com

“I hope you’re pregnant.”

Spotted on youtube.com

The internet has become astonishingly efficient at stripping away every ounce of context before launching a headline into the algorithmic void. By the time it reaches your feed, all that’s left is the part most likely to make you yell, “No way.” Sometimes you’re right. Increasingly, you’re not.

Spotted on newsbreak.com

“Is the road inside a pothole, or is the pothole inside the road?”

Spotted on oneindia.com

This road is so smooth that even the water in your stomach wouldn’t spill.

Spotted on oneindia.com

The internet has become astonishingly efficient at stripping away every ounce of context before launching a headline into the algorithmic void.

Spotted on newsbreak.com

If the village sarpanch, panchayat samiti member and district council member hadn’t taken their cuts, the road would have turned out quite well.

Spotted on oneindia.com

There was a time when determining whether something happened required reading a newspaper. Today, it requires three browser tabs, a court filing, an academic paper, and occasionally someone willing to explain why a government spokesperson just said that with a straight face.

Spotted on newsbreak.com

Who’s Tallest Canada is a reality competition hosted by Nathan Fielder, where five Canadian men compete to prove who is the tallest person in the country.

Spotted on instagram.com

Not bad. Reality got a few past you, but to be fair, reality has recently hired a team of professional misdirection artists.

Spotted on newsbreak.com

Don’t feel bad. Somewhere, a viral Facebook page is already turning this week’s edition into twelve misleading memes and an AI-generated image with six fingers.

Spotted on newsbreak.com

This road is just like an expressway. Vehicles glide by so smoothly that even the water in your stomach wouldn’t spill! Is the road inside a pothole, or is the pothole inside the road?

Spotted on oneindia.com

My sister said there was no way I could build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

Spotted on ponly.com

I was at the library and asked if they had any books on paranoia. The librarian replied, “Yes, they’re right behind you.”

Spotted on ponly.com

Apparently they caught a snake that is exactly 3.14159 metres long. It was a πthon.

Spotted on ponly.com